


what a bitch

by catspajama_llamas



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Blowjobs, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack Fic, Horses, Humor, I'm so sorry, Irony, Kinks, M/M, Tg:re spoilers, Untagged ships, handjobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-10 20:09:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4405811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catspajama_llamas/pseuds/catspajama_llamas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren and Levi have some weird af kinks, and all they wanted was to do the do in the stables. But nO</p><p>(A crack fic in which all goes to hell. What. A. Bitch.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	what a bitch

On a rather peachy sort of day, the sky clear and the sun shining happily down on the plains of death and terror, Eren stayed in confinement. No, not that kind of kinky confinement, but like. You know. When you have to do chores and shit, but you'd rather be out yelling "gET REKT" as you 360 no-scope some titans. Yeah. Anyways Eren was stuck cleaning the dank horse stables while Armin was probably busy screaming at something and Jean was busy being a dick out in the glorious sunlight.

"What a bitch," Eren whispered under his breath as he scrubbed the stable floors squeaky clean. He was hella pissed that basically everyone was out having fun or getting killed, while he was stuck cleaning thanks to Hanji. 

He became absorbed in his work, imagining what it might feel like to finally.. Finally.. Rip right through the back of a titan's neck, the soft embrace of heat he would be enveloped in. Because goddamn, he still hadn't killed a freaking single one despite being filled with all that bloodlust. Like seriously, when DID this kid finally kill one? We just don't remember. I should ask my local 13 year old who's still in their "xXX wELcoMe 2 mY dArK twiSteD miNd SWS MCR PTV iM a vAMP RAWR xXXX" stage, they'd know. But we're talking about Eren right now, who was getting kind of turned on by his thoughts of killing a titan. 

"oH YEAH." 

Just as Eren, lost in his fantasies, made his freaky as fuck outburst, Levi happened to stroll in to check on his work. It was a secret, but the two were secretly dating. Their dates usually consisted of secret rendezvous in Levi's quarters and his office, not to mention their racy almost-handholding while riding on horseback to certain death with everyone else. It was pretty steamy.

Levi heard Eren and moved into the stall where the boy now had everything in a sudsy, wet state, the boy on his hands and knees scrubbing, covered in bubbles and blushing due to his thoughts. Levi felt his eyebrows narrow into a larger scowl, getting turned on by the erotically clean sight. A titan-killing kink, and a cleaning products kink. What a couple #goals

"Eren."

"C-Captain!"

If Eren hadn't been blushing before, he certainly was now. His white uniform had become soaked, and he felt embarrassed as Levi's eyes grazed him. It was a good thing they had such weird as frick kinks, because he decided he need to let out some of his teen angst and horniness. Judging by the bulge in front of both of their pants, he wasn't alone. @me why

Because Eren was absolutely sick of shitty and sick seme/uke roles, always being cast as the hypervirginalized uke, and creepy fetishizing yaoi fangirls, his eyes grew dark and intense, sizing Levi up. He stood up, the hunter after the hunted. What a twist. He thought he was pretty hot. Levi blushu blushu'd, eyes sparkling. But lowkey, Levi was still a dark and troubled soul and liked to keep up his constipated appearances.

"Fuck me, bby," he whispered huskily in Levi's ear, wrapping his arms around the shorter and mouthing his ear, making his way down his neck and onto his chest, where he started juxtaposing between sucking and biting.

Levi froze. Eren stopped. Consent is important, never forget that. And get some fucking proper sex ed instead of getting it from crappy fanfics, it'll do the world wonders.

"In HERE? Eren, you're batshit crazy. This place is still fucking filthy, you still do a shit job at cleaning, and you pretty much just spilled the entire bucket of soapy water on yourself while you were lost in your perverted, fucked up fantasies. Fuck no. Not in here."

Eren deflated in the slightest bit. Levi saw the look on his face and continued.

"Let's do it in the clean stables that I just finished cleaning. It still smells like disinfectant."

Eren shuddered. Still being able to smell disinfectant REALLY got Levi going into high gear. But not like 3DMG. Wait. That would be pretty sexy, Eren thought. He should remember to tell Levi about it later. They could do it in the big ass trees Levi was so crazy about. bONDAGE. IN THE SKY. He so had to remember later.

"Should I carry you there, Captain, O Captain?"

"One more short joke and I fucking kill you."

"Got it. Sorry."

They made their way leisurely to the stables Levi had just cleaned, but as soon as they were inside one of the stalls they started ripping each other's clothes off. Levi felt it was a shame they had to take off Eren's sopping wet clothes. A horse neighed at the disturbance. Eren froze. Levi stopped. cONSENT

"Levi, there are horses still in here."

"Yeah, I know, don't mind them."

"..."

But then Eren felt his erection and remembered he really didn't care. What he did care about was continuing where he left off. He straddled Levi's hips, starting to rock back and forth as he sucked and nibbled across the other's collarbone. Levi moaned, holding Eren in place, hands on his hips, rocking along with him. Eren continued his movements, running his pressing hands down Levi's sides and down to the other's bulge, palming him through the fabric of his pants and beginning to unzip them. Levi took his hands off of the other's hips and grabbed Eren's head in his hands, crushing their lips together as Eren sighed hotly into his open mouth. He pulled out Levi's cock from his pants, pumping it faster and faster, precum leaking and spilling out onto his hand. Levi rutted into his hold, quick pants escaping him, hazily watching as Eren pulled back, giving him a smirk. He gazed on heatedly as Eren licked down his chest, his spine arching and mewls falling off of his tongue and washing over Eren, who now looked back up at Levi with devilish eyes before he took Levi's length into his mouth. 

"O-oh, _fuck,_ Eren!" He panted, grasping onto the hair on the bobbing head. Eren's tongue swirled around his tip as his hand pumped what couldn't be held by his mouth. He felt him hum against his shaft, pulling him in farther.

_"F-Fuck!"_

Eren only giggled, now sucking him and making obscene slurping noises, locking his eyes onto Levi's as he bobbed and licked up and down. Levi nearly knocked his head on the floor in pleasure, pulling Eren's hair harder with shaking hands.

The horses were really getting unsettled now.

"E-Eren.. _f-uh.._ nn.. I'm- _ahhn-_ Getting- close.."

Eren pulled off his cock, a string of saliva trailing off as he licked his lips, stuck in the same smirk. "Would you like to do the honors?" He said teasingly, bringing Levi's hand to his aching erection still held within his zipped-up pants. Levi freed his throbbing erection at once, going crazy when Eren brought his hand around his and brought their cocks together, pumping and stroking simultaneously. Eren was getting caught up as well, his moans bouncing off the stable's walls. They were both seconds away from orgasm, moving faster and faster, unable to contain their noises, when SUDDENLY! They heard running sounds, giving each other a look of horror as they heard someone burst through the stable door, accompanied by the sounds of others quick approaching.

"EEEE-REEEEEENN!!! WHERE ARE YOU?"

"YO, JAEGER!"

"Eren!"

"We have dinner ready!"

Just as they heard everyone bursting through the stables, Eren couldn't hold back anymore and cummed all over his and Levi's hands, horses neighing as if they were all having simultaneous heart attacks and Eren letting out a guttural shout of ecstasy. Levi's eyes widened as he orgasmed, and Eren clamped his hands over both his and Levi's mouth, mortified. Luckily he stifled Levi's moan, but it was much too late for him.

........................

The stables fell into a deathly silence. 

Finally one whisper cut in.

 

"I think Eren just fucked a horse."

 

Oh, how the mighty fall.

Eren nearly screamed, but Levi covered his mouth and held him down to keep him from popping up and revealing the both of them. The stable erupted in noise again, hearing shouts of disgust and also a "WAIT UNTIL REINER HEARS ABOUT THIS, HOLY FUCK" and "NO- DON'T TELL ANYONE, THE COMMANDER MIGHT FIND OUT! I NEED TO BE THE ONE TO TELL HIM ANYTHING!" 

"What a bitch," Eren whispered under Levi's hand, eyes full of horror, for the upteenth time that day. Levi only narrowed his eyes further at him, letting his eyes imply the "Make another sound, I fucking dare you" he was trying to suppress.

They tried to clean themselves up and get redressed after they heard the last rounds of whooping fading farther away from them. They helped fix each other up, Levi attempting to make Eren's harnesses and hair presentable and not in a "I just had sex with a horse" kind of way, while Eren fixed the shorter's cravat in "a damn hot horse" sort of way.

"They think I just had sex with a horse."

"A fucking hot horse-"

"SHIT THE FUCK UP."

"God Eren, your language and grammar is atrocious."

"I SAID, SHUT THE UP FUCK!!"

Levi looks onto the audience reading this as if he's on The Office. 

"Fucking unbelievable."

He still stood up on his tiptoes to give Eren a reassuring kiss, though. If anyone gave the boy any sort of trouble, they'd have the Captain to deal with.

///////////////////////////

Eren made his way to the dining hall, Levi by his side to serve as support. Eren's face was scrunched in the most furious look he could muster, face as red as that sexy Colossal titan's muscles in his embarrassment and nerves. 

"Eren, you really look like you need to take a shit."

_"FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY, LEVI, PLEASE."_

They approached the tables, Levi going off to sit with his best buds Erwin and Hanji, and Eren making his way to his usual spot next to Mikasa and Armin. Eren was always a little afraid to be next to her right after he'd had sex, because he was nearly certain she could smell the semen on him. She couldn't, quite obviously, but like. Bruh. What if.

Mikasa turned her full attention on Eren as he sat down. He cringed a little. He wished there was like a fan or something. Maybe a breeze. Maybe a full-force hurricane. She stiffened, disdain only slightly masked by morbid curiosity on her features. Armin just pretended like Eren wasn't there, looking horrified. He heard him start humming to himself. He really fucked Armin up this time. But not like the way he did Levi. Because Levi was his bae. Not Armin.

An awkward silence stretched on as Eren sat there, furiously and terribly awkwardly shoving the food in front of him in his mouth. He choked. It reminded him of Levi. He gave up eating. 

Mikasa couldn't take it anymore, so she finally confronted him, Armin's humming growing louder. His humming vaguely sounded like "heeeeyeeeeayyyeeaaahhyeahyuh".

"Eren."

"WH-WHAT?!" He nearly spat all the contents of his mouth onto Mikasa. It reminded him of Levi. He fell into a coughing fit. 

"Well?"

"WELL.. WHAT?"

She stared him down, and he grew small, so smol. He was staring into the eyes of Satan's mother, he was pretty sure. Why did his sister figure also happen to be his mother figure. His mother.. He shuddered. Titans. Killing titans. Mmm.

Her eyes wavered in the slightest, her face breaking with cracks of disgust. 

"Did you.. Er-hem. Did you have sex with a horse?"

Right then, the entire world fell apart. Eren wished a titan would burst in and rip the roof right off over their heads and shove them all in its mouth, but this wasn't one of their special extra chibi episodes.

As if on cue, there was not a titan, but a very pissed off horse who happened to be listening to their conversation with rapt attention. Jean stormed over, pulling Eren up by the collar.

"JAEGAR, WHAT THE FUCK, I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!!11!1!1!!!!!"

"What a bitch," Eren muttered again.

The dining hall exploded.

*PTERODACTYL SCREECHING FROM ARMIN*  
"JEAN, PLEASE PUT EREN DOWN, I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING, WELL I MEAN I DID BUT NOT REALLY BUT I SWEAR I DIDN'T TELL MIKASA"

"ARMIN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? _THEY_ HAD SEX TOGETHER?! IS THAT WHY YOU'VE BASICALLY AVOIDED ALL EYE CONTACT WITH ME SINCE THAT ONE DAY YOU RAN INTO ME??!!! WHAT THE HELL. EREN!! WHAT THE FUCK!!"

"EREN I'M SOOOOOORRRRYYYYYY!!!!!! I DIDN'T MEAN TO- ASJADSJLGNFASGASDLJGDS!!!!!!!!!" *PTERODACTYL SOBBING*

"EREN." *DEATH GLARE FROM A WILD, PISSED OFF BOYFRIEND LEVI STRIDING OVER*

"OH FUCK, WHAT A BITCH."

"OH, SO **_YOU_ TWO** HAD SOMETHING TOGETHER?!?!?!?!? HANJI WHAT THE FUCK, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TELL ME THIS SHIT, YOU KNOW I LOVE JUICY GOSSIP AND ABOUT HOW LEVI IS MY NO-HOMO SOULMATE WTF HOW COULD U DO THIS TO ME #STABBEDINTHEBACK #ITRUSTEDU #EXBESTIES"

"ERWIN, I DIDN'T KNOW, I WAS TOO BUSY SALIVATING OVER OUR NEW TITAN SPECIMENS!"

_"EREN."_

"WHAT A BI-"

"EREN!1!!1!1!1!11!1!1!1!1!"

"JAEGAR YOU FUCKS WERE A THING??!?!? FIRST YOU HAVE MIKASA, THEN YOU HAVE THE FUCKING CAPTAIN, WHAT THE FUCK WAS I TO YOU, YOUR BOY TOY?? I _TRUSTED_ YOU!!!!!!"

*PTERODACTYL SCREECHING INTENSIFIES*

"YO REINER, YOU GETTING THIS SHIT?"

"EVERY MINUTE OF IT!" Reiner calls out to Connie, moving in front of the camera and gesturing Connie to join in, throwing up his shades. Bertolt poses next to him, also in shades, throwing up peace signs. "Fucking Bertoldt you all, bitches," he whispers. It's always the quiet ones.

Eren looks into the camera as if he's on The Office. Jean still holds him by the collar, sobbing, while Mikasa looks as if she's about to combust into flames and channel all the powers of Hell within her, continuing to screech at Eren. Armin looks on like

Erwin sheds furious tears of no-homo angst and freedom, Hanji attempting to comfort him by playing "My Heart Will Go On" on her recorder, Levi gets into titan-killing mode towards Eren, which turns the aforementioned boy on a little, and Annie sits with her food, glaring at the ungodly scene as if she wants to kill them all. #ironic

"What a bitch," Eren sighs at the unfolding chaos. 

 

***CLICK***

"Well, I think it's about time we go to bed now, wouldn't you agree, mon amour?" Tsukiyama said, putting the tv remote down and nuzzling his face into Kaneki's hair, smiling. They were both reclining on the couch, Kaneki pressed against the taller's side. Hinami was sleeping, and they had only been watching terrible late-night reality television before going to bed. Who knew where Banjou and the others were. They were probably screaming at the moon or something, who knows. Hide suspected them of being werewolves, he thought to himself as he spied on the two in the werewolf-free apartment with his binoculars. Fricking illuminati shit. Back to business.

Kaneki hummed, leaning up to give Tsukiyama a quick kiss, hand wrapping around the back of his neck. "Yeah."

They made their way to Kaneki's room, turning off the lights and settling into bed as they curled into each other. At least his life wasn't as crappy as that Eren kid's was, he thought, snuggling into Tsukiyama's chest.

"It could be worse, mon amour. The CCG could find out about Anteiku, burn it down, you could be killed by one of them. I could be devastated and go into emotional upheaval, unable to leave my bed or take care of myself at all for three whole years due to my bad genetics taking their toll on me due to my absolutely wrecked mental state and family intervention, among my most trusted servant being too selfish to not tell me you're still alive for three whole years, when he knows that your still-being-alive is the key to me returning, until he finally decides enough is enough and tells me, after three whole years have passed. Three whole years of my utterly pointless deterioration which could have been resolved so much sooner, mind you. You could be made into a briefcase. You could be rehabilitated and brainwashed and become a part of the CCG and develop an entirely new identity, which I would still love unconditionally because I have only ever loved you for you, unlike _"other people"_. But it's not, and those things will never happen. Ever. _Ever,_ mon amour. Your life will never be as crap-filled as that of that tasteless reality tv show. I pity the Eren boy."

Kaneki laughed, scratching his chin. "Thank god that will never happen."

**Author's Note:**

> MY BEST FRIEND AND I CAME UP WITH THIS WHOLE THING A FEW DAYS AGO. SHE GAVE ME THE IDEA AND I WROTE IT I HOPE YOU LIKE IT, NATALIE. Those are totally.. NOT.. spoilers.. At the end.. ^^;;; I'm going to hell for you bc of this fic okay THANK YOU FOR THE IDEA.
> 
> And um. This fic just kind of wrote itself, tbh  
> It's probably been done before, but I'm hardly even in the fandom anymore to know I have not kept up since like Levi's. Dad. Person. Kenny. Came up and then Eren and historia were all O NOES oh wait yeah, the squad was all going to go all ninja turtles and save the day and all. And Erwin was somehow saved from certain death. Yeah I don't know it's been a while
> 
> For clarification, Eren is not and was not a cheat. Cheating is the worst of the worst, kids. He and Jean had a few times together before he and Levi got together. I ship them so hard
> 
> I can't think of anything else to say. But IF YOU READ THIS FAR, KUDOS TO YOU, THANK YOU FOR READING THIS CRAP. I tried.


End file.
